I’ve become too cynical of late. I was talking to my boss’s daughter the other day, and she asked how I was. Rather than give a perfunctory “I’m fine” answer, I actually told her. What exactly I hoped to gain from this I do now know, but she was understanding enough for someone who had no reason to bother with me.
Why did I feel the need to foist myself on someone — anyone — like that? I can only figure that I am subconsciously trying to drag everyone else down with me. That’s just not nice… no wonder no one thinks it amusing when I self-flagellate any more.
I had a conversation about the source of my general malaise lately, otherwise known as a full-blown depression. The entire point of it, I found, is that there isn’t a source.
I am unhappy. I’ve been this way most of my life. I actually once began dating a girl essentially out of pity; I told her I would never be happy, at which point she kissed me.
Nevertheless, it’s true. I’ve rarely been happy in my life… perhaps never. There are surely moments, but never any extended time; I allow myself to put the good things at a distance so I can focus on the things that eviscerate my spirit. Even moments that should be triumphant are often met more with a feeling of relief: “I managed this without screwing up.”
I wish I was a dreamer. I used to think I was, but the truth is, I shoot holes in my own goals. I can’t do it; success is constantly eluding me.
The real problem about all this is that I don’t care; I can see the problems, but my past failures have taught me not to care.
I can’t remember most of what I said to my roommate. I’m remembering in pieces; I can never tell the whole story.
I want to be happy once.
I feel so unbelievably alone right now.
There are some questions that should only be answered with a breathless reference to James Joyce’s Ulysses. The only reply should be the final line from that book:
“Yes I said yes I will yes.”
If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?
I think it’s time for me to go to sleep. Hopefully when I awaken things will be back to simple.
I can’t help but feel just a little bit worthless, just a little bit like I’m almost good enough but not quite.
Perhaps it ought to be said that nothing ever lasts forever. On the other hand, it’s entirely possible that anything can outlast you, so in that sense, everything can last forever.